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Ode to my Father October 30, 2004

Posted by rockerfem in Uncategorized.

My father died just this Oct. 3. I was not informed by any of my half siblings, it was my orgmate Maureen who informed me about it. That was the day that I was afraid to come. Before, I said to myself that when my father dies I wouldn’t cry. I would admit that I didn;t have a good relationship with my father. My close friends know my situation. I was never close to him; we seldom talk and see each other. When I learned that he already passed away, my whole body froze, my hands were shaking and I was in total shock. I didn’t realize that it would happen this early because I felt that he was still ok. It was the week before he died when we last talked on the phone. The last meeting we had was when we ate lunch at a restaurant and he even told me that he would still be there when I get married and have children. Actually, it was my goal that he would see me graduate college. He was already old, 77 years old.

At that time, I was having my final exams already and mind you, I have an exam the next day. It was hard to study and focus on my lessons. I cried and stared at the wall. I called my friend, Det, who knew my situation. I cried to her. She promised to call that night but she never did.

Together with the pains I have due to the break-up I had with Det just weeks before this happened, now this… I feel i can’t stand enough pain in my heart. I was having a dilemma on how I will be able to go to his wake. I waited for more than 3 days for my half brother to inform me about it but I heard nothing from him. And so, while my mom and I were saving some courage, we’ve decided to go to my father’s wake. in order for them ( the others) not to be scandaled we decided to go there at 2 am. I texted my half brother, asking permission if i could pay my last respects to my father. He never replied but I know he was already fixing the situation.

I was shaking and hesitant to go inside. I just couldn;t believe that I will be seeing him inside a casket, not on his wheelchair. He looked sad, I felt that he has lots of burden inside him. I looked around, there were lots of flowers from respected people. Nobody was around, it was just my mom and I and my half brother. I looked at the pictures posted on the wall while my mom was talking to my half brother. It was their family, their “happy memories”. Nothing “teleseryic” happened. Our meeting was simple, no fuzz about it. The next day will be the cremation. My mom and I decided that we should go.

During the mass, I was able to watch a video presentation they ( the others) prepared as a tribute to my father. I cried and cried because it was just that day that I was able to know my father. I didn’t know him very well. I felt jealous at that time because as a daughter of my father, i was not able to participate in the preparations. That was the time I felt I was so alone, neglected and thrown away. I was at the back so that no one from my dad’s family can see me.

It’s hard to become an illegitimate child. As much as you want to do something, you can’t because you have to think about the immediate family. My heart was breaking and they wouldn’t care. I just looked from a distance. My father’s driver told me that my father was looking for me before he died. I wondered if they would’ve just let me be there with him, he might have been happier. they were selfish and jealous because my father loved me. They never gave me the chance to be with him during his last days. I am angry at them. I was really hurt and alone.



1. day_sleeper - December 7, 2004

sniff sniff… :c

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