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Boredom, Being Alone and Empowerment. November 8, 2007

Posted by rockerfem in personal.
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This past week I have been killing time due to boredom. While at work, of course I am with my officemates and talk about different things ( because of the idle time between calls). Now my problem is after work, I don’t have anyone really to talk to. I used to have someone whom I could talk/text to during breaks, before and after work, etc.. Now, she’s totally lost in I don’t know where so I am left with no one to talk to. Well, I try to text some of my friends and unfortunately all of them are busy. We exchange 1-3 messages and then the texting just ends. Luckily, I found a coffee buddy named Karla, a long time online buddy of mine. After 2 years of sporadic conversations in the cyberworld, we have finally met in person. Hehe. After 48 years! We’ve been having coffee ( and dinner as well) in Greenbelt/Glorietta area for 2 straight days and just talking about exes and dates ( especially the funny dates hahaha). For as long as we have our cigarettes and caffeinated drinks we’re ok. Hehe.

Now due to my boredom and I guess my frequent melancholic moments, I smoke a lot now. I actually stopped smoking for 2 months because I just don’t feel that I want to. Well, I must admit I only smoked then in that 2 month period that I was in “cold turkey” when I felt frustrated about something but technicall I really was “cold turkey”. Now I realized that I only smoke when I am feeling melancholic and frustrated. Maybe I am feeling that way now. I will have moments when I just stay in Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf ( In Gateway Mall) after work and smoke or probably read a book. I am just alone. Sometimes I feel that being alone is empowering and at the same it is disempowering too. It is empowering because you can actually control what you want to do at that particular moment. It is also my time to reflect on things that I have done and what I could have done. Rants and raves flash in my brain, wishing and hoping that I should’ve or shouldn’t have done that. All the frustrations and anxieties in my life suddenly comes back to my conciousness when I have already placed them at the back of my subconscious mind ( if ever there is one.. do I believe in Freudian Pscyh? hehe nahh) . That is when being alone becomes disempowering. All those negative imageries come to my consciousness and only aggravates what I’m feeling. Maybe that is why I am being an impulsive credit card spender right now just to make me feel empowered again. I have been using my card everytime I go to starbux and have been there for the past 4 days collecting stickers for my teammate. I really don’t care about the planner; I just thought that he could probably benefit from my starbux spree. Now I really have to control my credit card spending because I will be maxing out my credit card.

I’m glad that I have a new coffee hang out buddy whom I could bum around with in the Makati area ( for as long as she doesn’t have a date!! hehe). Well tomorrow we’ll be going watching a gig in Saguijo ( yey! virgin moment!) and then on Sat, we’ll be going to an exclusive lesbian party. In just a week, we will be together for 4 times. Hehe. Imagine that?!

I don’t know. This “being alone” is part of who I am but it shouldn’t be that often as it is happening right now. I do this activity randomly and sporadically spread throughout the month. This past 2 weeks I have been doing this too often. I want to end this now but I really don’t know what else to do. I hope I will have that urgency to back to the gym again. Well, I bought a new pair of rubber shoes just to feel that spirit again. I know I am gaining weight again because I stopped boxing for like a month. I should enroll back to the gym by Monday once I get my salary.

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