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I’VE ALREADY MOVED TO WWW.ROCKERFEM.COM July 20, 2008

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www.rockerfem.com

Pond’s Taste of Beauty Bloggers Event July 5, 2008

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Karla, Baby and I attended the Taste of Beauty event of Pond’s, this is for their Age Miracle line. There were lots of bouquet of roses around and lots of pretty ladies around as well. I was concerned that I was underdressed 🙂 I wish I have worn a much better outfit. Well at least I wore make up to compensate that loss. Lolz. Anyway, there were lots of bloggers ( we actually got to meet Jane 🙂 ) there and lots of free food and drinks ( no beers for last night, only red and white wines). It was a Friday night and I have work at 1 am so I can’t really be drunk. I just drank a glass of red wine. (more…)

Ref Door Project June 23, 2008

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This entry is for the Ref Door Project 😉 Nothing to eat, unless you wanna eat water ( which you can’t, hehe ). Oh, we have eggs pala. Wow. Lolz.

Holy week overnight getaway in Laiya, San Juan Batangas March 26, 2008

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I think this is too late but I still would want to blog about this. Last Holy Wed-Thur, I went to San, Juan Batangas with Karla, Jhomz, Precious, LG and Vien. It wasn’t really meant to be a week long holiday since all of us ( except Karla) works in a call center, therefore we don’t have the regular holidays like “normal” people in the labor force do. It was really our rest days. We left Manila (well actually Alabang) at about 5 pm, then arrived at San Juan, Batangas at about 10 pm. We stayed in the house of Vien’s Grandma. It was a tiring trip but we still wanna have the booze and drank a bottle of tequila and some beers. I just had one beer after the tequila while the rest of them still continued to drink beers. Karla and I escaped in the drinking session and decided to sleep early instead ( the good thing is that we were first in the bed! hehe ). (more…)

Dating August 23, 2007

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Why is it that when you are single, people around you feel that every butch you meet is a potential “karir”. It’s not that when you meet someone and become friends eventually “nagkakariran” na kayo. Well, fine, all of the butches i meet are single. It just so happened that we’re all single and it seems we’re dating. Well we just communicate through text and chat and even went out once ( both of them once plang). I wouldn’t call them dates because it’s just 2 people going out to have dinner. No ‘romantic’ links yet, just plain talking abt everything under the sun. But when do u call a date a “date”?

I remember when I was in high school, my personality and development teacher taught us in class that it only becomes a date when there are two people going out who have a mutual understanding and it should involve only a boy and a girl . At that early age, I disputed that statement ( well, only to myself ) because I have a girlfriend at that time. Hehe. And we used to date then so that is my reality of what a date should be. Sex ( the typification) is not important, for as long as there are 2 people who have a “romantic” link are going out, that is called a date. I think after my teacher told us that statement, i rebelled against her reality that it’s not only “straight” people that can experience dating. It really sucks to know that there are bigots like that and treat lgbt experiences as a joke. Well, I can’t blame her ignorance. That is how she was socialized by her parents. I believe that she has the notion that biology follows behavior. That everything is dictated by biology and shouldn’t deviate from that. It’s so old school. Hello.

October 17, 2006

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DAY OFF WOOHOOO!!!!

umaaraw umuulan. ang buhay ay sadyang ganyan. August 2, 2006

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Updates sa buhay ko:

FINALLY DONE WITH MY THESIS. i passed it nung apr 28 ata yon. i m done na. graduate na din. While finishing it, i was already starting to work na. So while i was on the production floor during idle time, i read and analyze the things abt my thesis. multi tasking ito. Pero i m done kaya kalimutan na ang masalimuot na paghihirap yan.

4 MOS NA AKO SA WORK. yup. 4 mos na ako sa work. sana magtagal pa ako ( meaning hindi ako mateterminate) dahil i really need the high compensation. this is what i use to pay the bills here sa bahay. kaya por dat, no aircon na muna. hehe. taglamig pa naman eh. So far i m doing ok sa work. sira lang ang attendance ko nung july, may isang day na absent, 6 mins late at 4 mins absent due to exceeded health break ( which by the way is not my fault). hopefully this august ok ang attendance ko so that i cld get a bonus. of course pati rin sana ang mga qa (quality assurance) may bonus din.

KAMI PARIN NI CATHY. yup. kami parin. our relationship is like a roller coaster. minsan happy. minsan masalimuot. pero mas marami ang happy. hindi naman siya ang problema eh. my mom. my family. not between us. yes, sometimes nag-aaway kami because of things na hindi namin pinagkakasunduan. believe me, we re 2 different people. try extrovert vs. introvert. para siyang nature vs. nurture debate. right at this moment. we re fighting. sometimes, because of this obvious difference in personalities naiisip kong maghiwalay na lang kami. that is one reason na magbreak.. kahit na divorce or annulment pwedeng rason yon eh. Now we ve decided na hindi muna mag-usap. we ve been fighting abt petty stuff for the past few days. Anyway, going back to the extrovert vs. introvert debate, yun nga. ganon kame. hindi kame magkasundo sa mga gustong gawin. but one has to give in. i give in because i don t want to see her face unsatisfied because of the things i like. call it martyr pero ganito ako. kung dati sarili ko lang naiisip ko, lahat ng gusto ko nasusunod. ngayon hinde. we always fight about that, actually kahit ngayon. na i do not say what i like. kapag sinabi niyang hindi niya gusto hindi ko na ipagpapatuloy kung anu man yon. i don t know. i believe that i m different from what i used to be when i was with det. if before i was the control freak, dominating girlfriend now i preferred to be the dominated. maybe got tired of bossing around. She tells me that i shouldn t be like that, contented of being bossed around.

Other than those internal problems we have external problems. actually, mas problema ko to. the usual problem of lesbians, coming out. i wanna come out to my mom but i m having a hard time because she is a homophobic. she just tolerates what she sees especially whenever i bring cathy around here sa bahay and when i bring some of my lesbian friends here. She s in denial na i am not engaging in a lesbian relationship. ang mahirap pa, she s christian. pangalawa, i m an only child and we re the only ones living in this world. she always nags me abt cathy and my “lesbian lifestyle”. i am hurt whenever she says bad things abt lesbians which are not true. i am too weak to defend my self and other fellow lesbians of whatever she says. alam mo yon, even though i bring home the bacon now she still controls me as if she owns me. masyadong negative ang tingin niya sa lesbians na baka tinetake advantage lang ako. na as if na iniimpluwensiyahan lang ako, ang hindi niya lang alam matagal na akong ganito. long before i met cathy and babaylan. grade school pa lang ganito na ako. parang napaka-concentrated sa social structure ng mga arguments niya na parang walang room for agency. na lahat ng bagay eh iniimpluwensiyahan lang at pati ako kaya nagkakaganito raw kasi iniimpluwensiyahan ako. well sorry to say i believe that i already have my own mind. she feels that cathy is a bad influence to me pero hinde. i really wanna get out of this house and be away from her. she s like that kasi kung ano ano na ang sinasabi ng mga kamag-anak namin about me. malamang disappointed sa akin. well i don t care about them. all i care about is my mom. pero dahil sa pagkakaiba din ng perspektibo hindi namin mareconcile ng nanay ko ang mga utak namin. napaka-tradisyonal niya at kumbensiyonal samantalang ako ay mas flexible. sa totoo lang ang hirap kasi sosyolohista ako at mas bukas ang pag-iisip. naiintindihan ko siya sa kanyang mga karanasan sa buhay kaya ganon siya mag-isip. pero iba ang buhay ko sa kanya. How i wish i was brave na kaya kong sabihin sa kanya na, ma, lesbiana ako and i am hurt about what u say about lesbians. it s not true. I am planning to get out of this house, i told her na i am going to get an apartment near my work. syempre hindi siya pumayag. pero i still do that just to get away from the nagging and all. hindi ako nagpaalam sa kanya, nagsasabi lang ako. i ll still go home here during my day offs. and maybe then i can come out to her. I feel na i am not yet ready because i haven t proved something to her.

WRAPPING UP. i couldn t say that we have the perfect relationship. beyond the past issues left unresolved, explicably different personalities we still continue to be together. i love her. i love her so much. is this the thing u call “u and me against the world”? nahh. i don t want to think that this will be forever because there s no such thing as forever. great expectations only result to more pain. I am happy with her amidst all the things that hinder us to be happy. She brings out the best in me. I feel a sense of security whenever i m with her. We learn new things from each other, i think that s the best thing about us.

hmm weird day. May 15, 2006

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You know what s weird? hmm. I wasn t able to use the internet for like hmm 3 or 4 days. The first thing i saw was an offline msg from nicole. i was a bit surprised because i wasn t expecting her to talk to me coz u know what. well, thx for the msg. i really appreciated it. That was one weird thing that happened. Second, i opened my friendster acct and i have a new testimonial! it was from my grade 6 classmate. I was surprised ( again?!) because we re not really close.. She made a testimonial for me.. haha. we re not even close. though we were team mates dati sa basketball team. haha. one of the people who super made me kulit to try out for the basketball team. gusto lang ng kasabay magtry out eh. well it turned out good naman. we both got accepted. She only played for a year coz she got accelerated to high school. I play for 2 years. until grade 7. i resisted being accelerated. hehe. La lang.

Oh gosh, i still have 2 weeks to complete my thesis. Hayy. I will march next year. With the kiddies. hehe. I ll just get my certificate for being an org head and then scrung.. hehe. for the sake lang ng societal expectations. I ll do it.

February 19, 2006

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Wow.. dami na nagrerequest na mag-update ako ng blog.. (especially king, gnagawa ba namang thesis ang blog ko! heheh) Well anyway, it’s already February at super kelangan ng mangarag sa mga kailangan gawin. Before anything else, i present to you.. pic namin ni Cathy.. tagal na kame pero ngayon k lng nilagay dito sa blog ko. pero nasa friendster at downelink ko naman.. hehe. Ok, ayan po siya. Hindi pa talaga ito ang super update ko.. dumadaan lang po.. promise, pagnakaluwag ng kaunte.. hehehhe.. ingats kyo!

May dugo ang artikulong ito. November 13, 2005

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Ang tatalakayin ko rito ay ang tungkol sa pagiging lesbyana ko. OO, lesbyana ako. Malamang na ikaw na nagbabasa nitong blog ko ay kaibigan ko o kakilala ko man lang. Alam mo kung ano ako. Out kasi ako sa mga tao sa UP, mga kaibigan ko sa st. scho. Pero sa pamilya ko, lalong lalo na ang nanay ko, hinde. Iisang kamag-anak ko lang ang nakakaalam ng tunay na ako, pinsan ko iyon na liberated mag-isip. Kaming dalawa lang ang nagkakaintindihan sa pamilyang ito.
Sa tingin ko medyo nag-out na ako sa pamilya ko noong bumisita ang ilang mga lesbyanang miyembro ng Babaylan. Hindi ko naman sila mapipigilang pumunta. Nakiramay sila. Yun nga lang, ang mga malisyosong mga tingin ang sumalubong sa kanila. Itinanong pa sa akin ng isang babaeng pinsan ko, “Wala ka bang kaibigang lalake?” sumagot ako ng pabiro, “Oo, meron pero mga bading sila.”
Nang nagkaroon kami ng pagkakataong mag-usap ng nanay ko dito sa bahay habang patuloy parin ang burol, biglang sinabi sa akin ng nanay ko na parang mahiya naman daw ako dahil ang mga kasama ko ay mga tomboy. Sabi niya pa, ” alam mo ba anong tingin sa iyo ng mga kamag-anak natin? Na namatay lang ang tatay mo nagkaganyan ka na… Iniisip nila na puro ginagamit ka ng mga tomboy na iyon”. Sobra akong nagulat sa sinabi niyang yan.. Ang tingin nila sex slave ako ng mga lesbyana kong mga kaibigan? Ano ba namang klaseng pag-iisip yan. Ang sabi ko lang, wala silang pakialam. Sasamahan ko ang mga taong gusto kong makasama. Wala akong pakialam sa sasabihin nila.
Hindi kami nagkita ng nanay ko ng halos isang buwan dahil nanatili siya sa probinsya upang asikasuhin ang mga naiwan ng lola ko. Nang bumalik sya rito, nagkaroon kami ng mejo heart to heart talk. Nag-usap kami ng future. nagsimula kami sa paksa ng pagkakaroon ng karelasyon. Pinayuhan niya ako na kung sino man ang magiging boyfriend ko ay siguraduhin ko lang daw na mahal ako. ang sabi ko naman, “ma, bisexual ako. Meaning, equal opportunities sa both sexes. Babae man o lalake pantay sa akin.” Pero deep inside, mas lamang talaga ang babae. Mas gs2 ko kasi ng babae na makarelasyon kaysa sa lalake. Siguro hanggang crush lng sila pero hindi ko yata maisip na maging boyfriend sila. HIdni ko alam kung naintindihan ng nanay ko yon pero sumagot siya na, ” O sige, kung ano man ang maging karelasyon mo, siguraduhin mo lang na mahal ka at hindi ka sasaktan na physically.” Sa pagkakasabi niyang iyon, parang natanggalan ako ng tinik sa dibdib dahil naintindihan niya pala ako. Sinabi niya pa na “kung saan ka masaya sige, doon ka. basta’t alam mo ang mga consequences ng gagawin mo.” At that moment akala ko malawak ang isip ng nanay ko. Nabago na naman.
Kani-kanina lang. Pagkatapos kumain ay nagbanggit lng ako ng isang salitang bakla. “Tegi”, meaning patay. Bigla na niyang sinabi, ” Alam mo, mula ng pumasok ka sa UP naging magaspang na ang ugali mo. Gumagamit ka ng mga salitang bakla na iyan ang pangit pakinggan. Dahil yan sa kakasama mo sa barkada mo.” Eto na naman ang barkada issue. Dati pa ako tinitira ng ganyan. Matagal na kaming hindi nagkakaintindihan sa ganyan. Feeling ko it’s been years na pinagtatanggol ko ang mga kabarkada ko sa nanay ko. Tapos naitanong niya, “hindi mo ba alam na kung sino ang mga kasama mo ay ganon ka din?” Ewan ko kung itinutukoy niya ang pagsasama ko kay Cathy. tapos biglang sinabi niya na pati ang mga kasama ko daw ay mga “abnormal”. Doon talaga ako nainis. Nagpanggap nalang ako na walang narinig. Sinabi niya pa na “para kang walang Diyos”. Naisip ko na dahil sa nagiging active na naman siya sa pag-attend sa kanyang Church ay naimpluwensyahan na naman ng makitid na pag-iisip. Kahit na anong pilit niya ay hindi na ako pupunta pa doon. Pagkaalis niya ay umakyat na ako sa kwarto at sinimulang gawin ito.
Ang gulo diba? Wala talaga akong pakialam sa sasabihi ng mga kamag-anak ko sa akin. Ang importante lng ang sasabihin ng nanay ko. Hindi ko naman masisisi si mama na magkaroon ng ganoong klaseng isip. Marahil ito ay sa kadahilanang hindi naman siya mulat sa usapin ng sexualidad. Gusto kong imulat ang isipan niya.
Ngayong dumating ako sa ganitong edad at pagkakaroon ng bagong relasyon, gs2 ko na mag-out. Noon kami pa ni det, halos 8 taon naming itinago ang relasyon namin at hanggang ngayon hindi parin ako out sa nanay ko. Wala parin siyang kaalam-alam na kami ni det ay hindi lang basta magkaibigan noon, kundi magkarelasyon kami non. Now that I am with CAthy, gusto ko na mag-out. Sawa na akong magtago. pero mahirap gawin iyon. Plano kong mag-out pagkagraduate ko at pag nagkatrabaho na ako. Sa tingin ko mas may karapatan akong mag-out non dahil expected na independent na ako. Sana nga. HIndi ko alam kung ano ang magiging reaksyon niya.
I know nahihirapan din si CAthy dahil hindi ako out. Syempre, hindi siya pwede matulog dito ng sobrang dalas, hindi kami pwede maglambingan sa harap ng nanay ko, hindi rin pwede na matulog ako sa kanila. In short, hindi kami malaya. May mga constraints na hindi maiiwasan.
Hindi ko naman gusto na mag-out dahil lang sa ganong kababawang bagay na hindi kami makapaglampungan diba at dahil lang kay cathy. Para ito sa sarili ko.
Naiinis ako. Sa totoo lang. Naiinis ako sa mapagkutyang lipunan. Naiinis ako sa mga taong isinasakdal kaagad ang mga bakla at lesbiyana.
Kung ikaw ay isa sa mga taong iyon, mabuti pang wag mo na akong kaibiganin.